You’re struggling through life needlessly, because you’re fighting two battles.
One against the world to prove yourself, and another against your subconscious.
The first one I’d understand, especially if you’re attempting something that society would deem you unworthy/uncapable/unsuitable for.
However, the second one is pathological.
Your intent must be whole, and you should have your eyes on the prize, and only the prize.
As such, there’s no room for conflicting wills in your psyche.
So, how to achieve that?
First, we start with acceptance.
Accept the you who, in spite of trying, fails miserably. The possibility of mediocrity. Accept it and face it.
Don’t run away from your shortcomings.
Just smile and look ahead.
Then, empty your mind of thoughts, and imagine this.
If you were to die today, having achieved nothing, and told that you only had ten minutes to live.
What would be the first thing you’d do?
That’s a good direction to explore when it comes to your real purpose.
As soon as you gave your purpose, start working on it, and make it a beautiful story.
One that they read would enjoy every chapter, instead of hoping it’d end already and be over with.
You don’t need more information, yet, you only need to get rid of the useless conditioning.